New Year's Eve and I am recovering....

Yeah, most people recover on New Years Day...Not me. I developed the flu/sinus infection/dystemper/CRUD on Tuesday (the day after Christmas). I did not leave my couch until Thursday afternoon. I moved around a little THINKING I felt better...got up Friday morning showered, washed my hair...ready to go eat Mexican with My J, Kris and the red head. Half way through lunch I realized that I had prematurely gotten off of my couch. It hit all over again. I brought myself straight home and stayed on the couch until today. I cannot be on the couch any longer. My J caught it, sufferred through it with the help of some whiskey, honey and peppermint! It was rough! Now I feel better but unable to sleep due to the unproductive HACKING cough that I have ALL NIGHT LONG! But tomorrow is a new day....and a NEW YEAR. Thank God!

Christmas has come & gone...OH and I turned 30....

Well, Christmas has come and gone, yet again. My worries at Christmas exist on many levels. I have to worry that my parents will or will not like what the kids and I get them. They aren't the kind of people who pretend.....well, maybe not so much that they don't like what we get them, but what they get "each other" (which is stuff we usually pick out). It is complicated... but this year it went pretty well. Also, I worry that Kim or Ty will get more than the other and someone's feelings will be hurt. Which hurts me terribly. Then there is myself. I don't need anything, therefore they have trouble trying to figure out what to get me and end up getting me something that I don't need or want and I have to find somewhere to put it. But this year was good!! Not much of that useless stuff!

On a different note.... I turned 30 on December 21. I spent that day on a church bus with 9 youth and 3 other adults on our way home from Gatlinburg. Yes, I planned the trip and I knew it was my Birthday, but...... Well, let me start by saying I think Birthdays are special. I try to make people feel really special on the day that they were born. It may be something little like me putting a candle in a Pepperidge Farm Milano cookie for my J or using window paint to write all over Kims vehicle or just the fact that I send birthday cards to all sorts of people that I have met along my life journey. I DO NOT do these things with the intentions of getting something back. I don't. But I guess somewhere in the back of my thick skulled head I do have that expectation.

We unloaded at the church on a rainy evening and I came home. I may have even been a little excited thinking "I wonder what they did. Posters, balloons, I wonder what?". I get home, alone. Unload my bags and drag them to the door. I leave them on the carport and come in to an EMPTY, BLANK house. Well, my cats were here but you never know what they were saying.... "Happy Meow Birthday!" or "Where the Hell have you Meow been bitch Meow Meow Grrrrr?". So, I will go with the first for my mental health sake! But, nothing. Not a cake, cookie, balloon, card, poster....nothing. I TURNED 30!!! The excuse was, "We thought you'd be too tired to do anything tonight......."... TOO FREAKIN' TIRED TO FEEL SPECIAL???? How many people do you know that are ever "too tired" to feel special or have a fuss made over them??? Not many!!! My sister did come by on her way to go out to eat with her friends ( on my Birthday) and dropped off my gift, which was really sweet. Needless to say.... I unpacked everything, because I am OCD like that and turned on my shower to let it warm the room, then got into the shower and sat there with the water raining down on me as I cried. I haven't cried like that in a while. Maybe since my Granny died. It was painful, deep......it felt good to let it out. Then the guilt set in. How selfish am I to be crying because nobody did anything. I stayed in the shower for about an hour (until the HOT water was gone).

As I was getting out of the shower I hear people standing outside my bathroom door. My mother and brother were here. How long had they been here? Had they heard me? I don't know, but my eyes would not hide the amount of crying I had done. She asked me to tell her what I was crying for and I did not want to. She would take it personally and I did not want her to feel bad for my selfishness. But she kept on and I told her, then cried more..... It was horrible. We looked at Gatlinburg pics then they left. Alone again. Then My J came over and brought gifts! He did very good with those!!! But he knew something was wrong and there it was again. I cried told him about it and felt bad for making these people that I love feel bad for not doing anything for my birthday. Which thinking back on it....maybe they should feel bad...

So, we watched tv, then he went home and I went to bed and cried some more.. No one sang happy birthday to me on my birthday. No cake. No candles. I turned 30.

Shower or Not to Shower.......

So, my mom and I were at Le' Target this past Saturday night (first time in a while she and I have done anything together with the family, much less JUST us) and somehow we got on the subject of martini shakers! She brought up the fact that my best friend got one 5 years ago when she got married and 1)it has never been taken out of the box, 2) we couldn't get the lid off of the shaker, 3) it's crystal. We tried to use it and couldn't get the little lid off of the place you pour from!!! So, the question was WHY get one that you CAN'T use?? My reply was that she probably put it on her "wish list" at some store and someone actually got it for her. With a little more thought, I told her that IF I EVER contemplate marriage and do the little "wedding registry" thing, that I would put some COOL USEFUL things on there!! Maybe a Martini shaker that lights up when you use it or plays a song or something!! Not a crystal one!! I am not the "crystal" type!!! I like nice things, but tend to be a little more practical (thanks to my mother).

Then........it got deep and sad. We went from talking about useless martini shakers to her saying "I never had a wedding shower". What do you say?? Yes, I realize that she got "knocked up" with me and got married at the Justice of the Peace to a guy my biological grandmother DISliked, but every girl that gets married should be bombarded with material things that she may need or just fun little gadgets she may not need. It's like a rite of passage to marriage to have showers. Hell, it's almost worth getting married to get one of those Kitchen Aid Standing Mixers!!! ( I would get a red one!! With the attachments to make my own pasta - not that i know how to make pasta or that I actually cook, but Jay does ;-).

My parents have been married 30 years as of July 30th. She never had a shower. She was never given her earned and deserved useless gifts. How sad is that?? From the very beginning of the marriage she was missing something. Something that I don't think she has ever found.

So my question today is this.........Is it too late to shower her??? Are there people out there that would understand and participate? Would she let me throw her a shower?? Would she laugh hysterically? Would it make her feel good??

I want to be showered. I want people to appreciate me being the center of attention for one day. I want to feel special, receiving gifts that will probably be returned in 5 days......doesn't everyone? Doesn't she deserve that?? The saddest part is...I don't think she thinks she deserves it............

By the way - my friend with the useless martini shaker.........she got divorced in April.......

How did I get here???

Do you ever wonder how you got to where you are RIGHT NOW??? I have been wondering that lately. To catch up, Jay has moved 3 doors down from me :-) and continues to work offshore! It is taking some getting used to.......we've lived at least 2.5 hours away from each other for the past 3 years! We've gotten really good at being apart........so, it is different, but getting better!

My best friend and her 3 year old have moved in with me, temporarily. Quite stressful. She is a beautiful child, but does NOT mind. It is so hard for me to like her right now. I do love her, but liking her, not so sure! I'm not even sure her mom likes her right now!! I hate not being able to be the "fun Aunt" who takes her to McDonald's or the zoo....THEN take her home! I feel for my friend. She never planned on being a single parent. It is hard for her, but she is doing well. They will be moving Sept 8th. I'm sure I will miss them!

Family: CRAZY!!!!! But anyone who knows me, knows that!
*Dad - trying to be a better dad/husband......he still messes up, he still flies off the handle, he still expects too much and he still tries to live vicariously through his son. Sad story, yes!
*Mom - still drinks, still only talks to dad about sports related to son or irresponsible middle child.......or lack of money......or his inadequacies.
*Sister - has officially graduated high school. Will be attending junior college, beginning tomorrow!! She has ALOT to learn. Not from books, from life! First and foremost, life does not revolve around her and her social life! Other things are going on!! I know this lesson will be a hard one for her and I hate she has to endure it, but she needs it! I wish her the best! I hope she does extremely well in her studies!! We have gotten closer...and I am glad!!
*Brother - God love him. He has never asked to be the "golden child". He is much more levelheaded and conservative than the sister, but the parents (and myself, to some extent) see him as golden. I don't think that I do it for the same reasons as the parents....I think I do it because he is not only my brother, but he is my friend. He is not as emotional as the sister. He is not as needy as the sister.......God, I hope she never reads this....it could send her over the edge! Anyway - he is beginning his sophomore year, will be the starting tightend for the home team and will be making advances in the world of relationships soon, I am sure. :-(.....

It is sad now that I think about my question..... I know how I got here. But do I like it?? I miss my big city life. I miss not having to WORRY all the time about family stuff! Then I feel guilty for saying that! Guilt - sometimes I think it controls my life........It is the reason I do so many things that I do. When I should be doing them because I want to....or I need to ! Not because I feel guilty if I don't do it. I felt guilt in the big city...guilt for not being here to help take care of the brother and sister when the parents got on them. Guilty for not being at the important (or slightly important) events in their lives. Guilty for not wanting to listen to my mom confide in me her secrets and her hurts, now she is numb.

I don't know........I need to ponder this a bit more......Pray for me!! Offer advice!!!

I Don't Know......

Well, if you are curious where the title for my blog came from...........it IS the story of my life. There are so few things that I do know. Decision making, even for the little stuff like "where do we eat", is a major task for me! So, when big things come up..WHOA!!! I just "don't know"!

I think it stems from my lack of self-confidence/self-esteem. I present with the upmost of confidence, but deep down, there is very little. I look around and see that I am surrounded by people that love me. I mean, unconditionally, whole-heartedly, LOVE me. These are people that are so dear to my heart that I would do ANYTHING for (and in many cases have done some odd things for!!). I see myself as a mother to a few of them, a friend to others. I truly love them in return.

Family: My brother has just been busted "chewing tobacco". It IS the END of the WORLD! He is a baseball player and he is a boy. He's going to try new things. Unfortunately, my mother sees him as the "golden child" and has put every last inkling of hope in her life IN HIM. Now, he has let her down, broken her heart.......and the world as we knew it is over. She is slowly losing her mind. She has been numb too long to see any happiness within herself. She is looking for it in him. My sister and I have outgrown her looking for it in us. He was her LAST hope. I have a really bad feeling that something bad is going to happen. She drinks to forget (if only for a moment). She is so cold and bitter. This is the icing on the cake.

But, today is Saturday.....I have no plans to do anything special. I need to clean my house...I'd love to go to Baton Rouge......I would love to go see my J.

Until tomorrow..........