Christmas has come & gone...OH and I turned 30....

Well, Christmas has come and gone, yet again. My worries at Christmas exist on many levels. I have to worry that my parents will or will not like what the kids and I get them. They aren't the kind of people who pretend.....well, maybe not so much that they don't like what we get them, but what they get "each other" (which is stuff we usually pick out). It is complicated... but this year it went pretty well. Also, I worry that Kim or Ty will get more than the other and someone's feelings will be hurt. Which hurts me terribly. Then there is myself. I don't need anything, therefore they have trouble trying to figure out what to get me and end up getting me something that I don't need or want and I have to find somewhere to put it. But this year was good!! Not much of that useless stuff!

On a different note.... I turned 30 on December 21. I spent that day on a church bus with 9 youth and 3 other adults on our way home from Gatlinburg. Yes, I planned the trip and I knew it was my Birthday, but...... Well, let me start by saying I think Birthdays are special. I try to make people feel really special on the day that they were born. It may be something little like me putting a candle in a Pepperidge Farm Milano cookie for my J or using window paint to write all over Kims vehicle or just the fact that I send birthday cards to all sorts of people that I have met along my life journey. I DO NOT do these things with the intentions of getting something back. I don't. But I guess somewhere in the back of my thick skulled head I do have that expectation.

We unloaded at the church on a rainy evening and I came home. I may have even been a little excited thinking "I wonder what they did. Posters, balloons, I wonder what?". I get home, alone. Unload my bags and drag them to the door. I leave them on the carport and come in to an EMPTY, BLANK house. Well, my cats were here but you never know what they were saying.... "Happy Meow Birthday!" or "Where the Hell have you Meow been bitch Meow Meow Grrrrr?". So, I will go with the first for my mental health sake! But, nothing. Not a cake, cookie, balloon, card, poster....nothing. I TURNED 30!!! The excuse was, "We thought you'd be too tired to do anything tonight......."... TOO FREAKIN' TIRED TO FEEL SPECIAL???? How many people do you know that are ever "too tired" to feel special or have a fuss made over them??? Not many!!! My sister did come by on her way to go out to eat with her friends ( on my Birthday) and dropped off my gift, which was really sweet. Needless to say.... I unpacked everything, because I am OCD like that and turned on my shower to let it warm the room, then got into the shower and sat there with the water raining down on me as I cried. I haven't cried like that in a while. Maybe since my Granny died. It was painful, deep......it felt good to let it out. Then the guilt set in. How selfish am I to be crying because nobody did anything. I stayed in the shower for about an hour (until the HOT water was gone).

As I was getting out of the shower I hear people standing outside my bathroom door. My mother and brother were here. How long had they been here? Had they heard me? I don't know, but my eyes would not hide the amount of crying I had done. She asked me to tell her what I was crying for and I did not want to. She would take it personally and I did not want her to feel bad for my selfishness. But she kept on and I told her, then cried more..... It was horrible. We looked at Gatlinburg pics then they left. Alone again. Then My J came over and brought gifts! He did very good with those!!! But he knew something was wrong and there it was again. I cried told him about it and felt bad for making these people that I love feel bad for not doing anything for my birthday. Which thinking back on it....maybe they should feel bad...

So, we watched tv, then he went home and I went to bed and cried some more.. No one sang happy birthday to me on my birthday. No cake. No candles. I turned 30.